bookmark_borderHow do you do yours?

It has taken me a while to get the Spotify bug but as I can’t seem to escape it I’ve done my usual and leapt in at the deep end leaving my iTunes library mid-rebuild to explore Spotify and see how it fits with my needs. It’s good! I like a lot of things about it and I will happily admit it’s a much nicer place to be than iTunes which has meant that (as most of music listening is background stuff so I prefer things I’m familiar with) I’ve been going a bit playlist happy.

There are a mixture of things that are driving my behaviour, but the ‘availability’ of a large set of music than I have in my own collection, coupled with the speed at which I can find tracks are the main two reasons why I’m finding it much more fun to create playlists in Spotify.

However, it does leave me with a bit of a quandary.

Because I have access to so much music, I find myself easily distracted and start to get lost as I find more and more tracks I like.

For example, say I’m compiling a playlist of heavy rock music – Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam, Queens of the Stone Age, that kind of thing – and stumble across a remix of something which takes me off on a tangent into Nine Inch Nails and then to the Prodigy and then on to Chase & Status and… wait, what was I doing? This isn’t rock music!

Back to the playlists, but this time I’ll try and add to my Soul playlist. Ahhh yes, Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke, James Brown, Eddie Floyd… wait I know that track from somewhere else, ohh yeah, Ami Stewart did a disco version, I liked that, I can add that to my disco playlist, and maybe some Bee Gees, Sister Sledge, Chic, ohh that Communards track that got overplayed… what’s this? Then Jericho, that’ll go in my 90s playlist and… gah! It’s happened again!!

Is it just me or is this a common affliction?

Has social media dropped my attention span so low that I can’t even keep focus long enough to add a handful of tracks to a playlist?

What does everyone else do?

bookmark_borderAnd then I turned 40

It’s a milestone!

It’s all downhill from here.

It’s just a number.

It’s a turning point.

I’m not sure quite what it is but I do know that, subtly, the approach of today has been in the back of my mind for the last year. However, in the same way I don’t hold any sway over New Year Resolutions, I’m aware that this is just another birthday; it really is just a number.

But.

Ahhh yes, of course there was a but!

Turning 40 does feel different to previous birthdays. I can’t quite put my finger on why though and I’m aware it might just be coincidence as this birthday is coming around the time other changes in my life have gathered pace, both in my personal and professional life. Who knows.

Regardless.

I’m now 40 (right as this post was published as it happens).

bookmark_borderAlmost there…

It’s October, my birthday month. I only mention that as it marks what I guess is something around the halfway point of my life. And, as it approaches, I’m finally realising I’ve got myself mostly figured out and my life is taking shape.

A few years ago I wouldn’t have believed you if you described my life as it is now. It’s not that I had a bad life, I wasn’t unhappy before but I didn’t realise what was missing.

But then, hindsight is 20 20 and all that.

Hmmmmm, 20 + 20 = 40

There’s something in that…

bookmark_borderRandom Thoughts

I love my Apple products. But leaving my laptop charger in a hotel, with an official replacement costing £65, does make me consider cheaper alternatives. Thankfully, the hotel staff found it and are posting it to me.

I’m almost 40.

I need to make time to get back out jogging again.

A few months ago, Spotify and I finally “clicked” and whilst I won’t ever fully invest in it (it’s a closed system, I can’t export my playlists for one thing), it is very handy for ‘whims’ and random silly playlists. It desperately needs playlist folders though.

I can’t remember the last time I watched ‘live’ TV that wasn’t sport, and even then that hardly happens.

I haven’t read a book in over a month.

I haven’t weight myself for a couple of weeks.

I have been taking stock of everything I have and realising I’m very lucky, and very happy.

With my birthday approaching I’ve been told not to buy myself anything. It’s only with this stipulation in place I realise just how much money I spend (waste?) on ‘stuff’. I really need to buckle down.

In saying that, I did just buy a mahoosive big bean bag

I think I need to be planning things months in advance now, weeks just ain’t cutting it.

Still loving my new car.

bookmark_borderFOMO

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them.  Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

What is happening with them? Are they having fun?

Why am I home alone? What’s the point of having more than one partner if I’m still alone?

Are they having a better time than we do? Is he more fun? Is she more entertaining?

A lot of the thoughts and emotions I have around polyamory are still being filed under ‘new stuff’. I do spend a fair amount of my free time wondering: What are this?

However, this area seems to have caught me out a little bit. It’s definitely new for me, as I’m typically quite happy with my own company, to feel a little lonely at times. I guess I just hadn’t really considered how different it was to be alone when none of your partners are free.

It’s an odd thing, and not something I experienced in any of my monogamous relationships. Back then, if I wasn’t with my partner, then I knew where they were and roughly what they were doing. The sense of being alone wasn’t really the same as I knew it wasn’t because my partner was choosing NOT to be with me. It’s a subtle point I think, but an important distinction.

In polyamorous relationships choices have to be made. I can’t be in two places at once and neither can my partners so there is an element of having to choose who not to be with on a given night. Of course the aim is to find a balance and make sure everyone is happy with the amount of time they spend with each of their partners but it’s easy to see how, sometimes, someone might feel like they are second best (I realise this is very much down to your own dynamics and what agreements you may have between partners, I can only speak for myself and that I’m very keen to make sure both of my partners know they have the same voice and value in our relationships).

Regardless, there are nights when I know both my partners are choosing not to be with me. It’s not done negatively, it’s a fact of life, but it still happens and even though I understand why, logically, there is still something there that feeds the irrational brain.

Once you get past that, and I’m never convinced those thoughts fully dissipate, I’ve found I start to wonder what they are doing and, ultimately, whilst I am sat home alone, what am I missing?

The fear of missing out is not unique to poly/open relationships but if anything, for those in our set of relationships, it does seem to be heightened as the fear is built upon knowledge of the choice your partners have made.

The wondering, the comparisons start. Curiosity follows, and you wonder how much you think you want to know versus how much you actually should know about what they may, or may not, be doing.

I’m lucky that, for me, it doesn’t seem to strike me too hard or too often. I know for my partners it’s had an effect on them in the past, and may well again in the future. Thankfully we are all fundamentally happy and committed to making things work, we’ve all been honest and that should keep these fears at bay.

The thing is whilst you may be missing out on one night, or one event, if you are in more than one relationship, the inverse can also be true. Having two partners means I’m experiencing things differently than I would with one partner, enjoying a different point of view of a shared experience or the opportunity to attend events with someone who shares a passion.

The hope is that the time spent together at those times helps keep any irrational thoughts or fears at bay should they arrive during those nights when you are alone.

bookmark_borderLetting Go

I have a short, quick temper. It can flare quickly but will disappear almost as soon as it arrives. I vent, I moan, I rant, and that seems to get it out of my system, for the main part.

Thankfully, or so it seems to me at least, those instances seem to be fewer and further between.

Obviously some things, my pet peeves if you will, continue to be a source of irritation to me but even those seem to be fading. It seems I’m not turning into a grumpy (grumpier) old man after all?

I’d like to think that as I grow older I’m actually getting a little bit wiser or at the very least I’m understanding myself a little more and realising that (and this is no revelation) the only person I can fully control is me; that last sentence can also be read as “most other people are idiots”, but that’s a whole other topic…

One constant theme over the past few months remains though. Whilst I’m trying not to let my pending 40th birthday colour everything I think about when I’m being a little introspective it seems that I can’t really help it but as it turns out, especially in this instance, I do think it has a bearing. I don’t think I’m any wiser per se, but as it takes a special kind of moron to NOT learn from repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome, it’s safe to say that I must be learning something along the way.

Tangent: WHY is my upcoming 40th birthday such a factor? It’s just another year on the planet after all. Logically it’s just a number and where I am in my own emotional journey through life has no bearing on it. Equally I know that the things I’ve experienced in life go a long way to shaping who I am, how I think and how I live my life so perhaps that’s all this is, a realisation that I’ve spent long enough spinning round the universe to at least be in a position to ponder my place within it.

Perhaps, behind all of this, there is something more fundamental at play. Perhaps, just maybe, regardless of my age, I finally feel like I have the life I want. There are some obvious signs, some major lifestyle changes being the most notable in the past few years, but for me it’s the subtler signs that speak volumes. I’m much calmer in my own head, much less prone to look for diversions to keep me busy, I’ve become much less materialistic, much more specific about the value I want, and much more forgiving of myself and others when things don’t pan out the way I had them in my head. Lessons learned I guess.

It feels healthier I guess, to realise a lot of this. To realise I’m fundamentally happy and content, regardless of any ups and downs. To realise that I can cope with whatever life throws at me. To realise that, by letting go of so much of my own baggage, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. A simple, honest, truth.