I have a short, quick temper. It can flare quickly but will disappear almost as soon as it arrives. I vent, I moan, I rant, and that seems to get it out of my system, for the main part.
Thankfully, or so it seems to me at least, those instances seem to be fewer and further between.
Obviously some things, my pet peeves if you will, continue to be a source of irritation to me but even those seem to be fading. It seems I’m not turning into a grumpy (grumpier) old man after all?
I’d like to think that as I grow older I’m actually getting a little bit wiser or at the very least I’m understanding myself a little more and realising that (and this is no revelation) the only person I can fully control is me; that last sentence can also be read as “most other people are idiots”, but that’s a whole other topic…
One constant theme over the past few months remains though. Whilst I’m trying not to let my pending 40th birthday colour everything I think about when I’m being a little introspective it seems that I can’t really help it but as it turns out, especially in this instance, I do think it has a bearing. I don’t think I’m any wiser per se, but as it takes a special kind of moron to NOT learn from repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome, it’s safe to say that I must be learning something along the way.
Tangent: WHY is my upcoming 40th birthday such a factor? It’s just another year on the planet after all. Logically it’s just a number and where I am in my own emotional journey through life has no bearing on it. Equally I know that the things I’ve experienced in life go a long way to shaping who I am, how I think and how I live my life so perhaps that’s all this is, a realisation that I’ve spent long enough spinning round the universe to at least be in a position to ponder my place within it.
Perhaps, behind all of this, there is something more fundamental at play. Perhaps, just maybe, regardless of my age, I finally feel like I have the life I want. There are some obvious signs, some major lifestyle changes being the most notable in the past few years, but for me it’s the subtler signs that speak volumes. I’m much calmer in my own head, much less prone to look for diversions to keep me busy, I’ve become much less materialistic, much more specific about the value I want, and much more forgiving of myself and others when things don’t pan out the way I had them in my head. Lessons learned I guess.
It feels healthier I guess, to realise a lot of this. To realise I’m fundamentally happy and content, regardless of any ups and downs. To realise that I can cope with whatever life throws at me. To realise that, by letting go of so much of my own baggage, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. A simple, honest, truth.