No read-ey, no write-y!

Dearest Reader,

(Yes, that’s you)

I’ll keep this as simple as I can.

In my previous post I stated, quite clearly, that I would be taking “the opportunity to confirm that I will not be starting to write a novel (or even a novella)”. I realise my mixing of positive and negative actions in the same sentence may have confused your simple mind, for that I am sorry. I am certain you already have enough difficulty and confusion in your life and I apologise for rendering your simple mind asunder with my badly crafted sentence.

I realise my education places me at an advantage, how quickly it is that I forget that not everyone can read whilst sitting on the loo, I can skim through a magazine in no time, picking out all the best bits with ease. I occasionally read the words too. Yes I should remember that you may not be as smart as I, and that not only do you have to remember how to tie your shoelaces every morning but that it takes you several minutes beyond that to realise that you are wearing slip-ons.

So please let me clarify my statement, and allow me to re-iterate for those of you who apparently cannot read. The statement I made is thus, clearly and unequivocally, I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL (OR EVEN A NOVELLA).

WILL NOT.

CAN’T MAKE ME!

I’m ashamed to admit that even my own parents (who are teachers for godssake!!) failed to properly read that announcement and continue to encourage me to do something I have stated, repeatedly, that I am not interested in doing. These are the types of parents you see in documentaries on Channel 5, and if I let them have their own way they’d no doubt have me attending some horrid pageant for 30-something sons, reciting my own paltry and pathetic attempts at poetry.

You may now be considering pointing an accusatory finger in my general direction, so I will concede that, maybe, perhaps, I could have emphasised my point a little better but the underlying lesson that I will take from this sorry debacle is that my faith in you (yes YOU) dear reader has been mis-guided. I have been presuming all along that you can read and, alas, it seems you cannot.

It makes me wonder what the hell you’ve been commenting on these past nine years, if you’ve been unable to properly parse and process the eloquently crafted prose laid before you. What kind of imbecile are you?

This entire sorrry episode convinces me that I am correct (I usually am) and so I will be sticking to my aforementioned, and since clarified, announcement which I shall repeat here in one final attempt to get the message across.

I AM NOT AND WILL NOT BE WRITING A NOVEL (OR EVEN A NOVELLA).

After all, if you lot can’t even be bothered to read things on my blog properly, why the hell should I write a bloody book!

Yours condescendingly,

Gordon

P.S. There are several grammatical and spelling errors throughout this post, but I’m not expecting you heathens to spot them.

20 comments

  1. Oh good! What’s it going to be about? I hope it’s a nice juicy murder mystery, or something like that.

    Have you thought of setting it in Derbyshire?

  2. 1st par : “Rendering your mind asunder” – should be “rending”.

    Ha, like you expected me not to rise to the challenge of “Not expecting you heathens to spot them”…

  3. 1st par : “Rendering your mind asunder” – should be “rending”.

    Lyle, you are mistaken. This is obviously the construction of a very skilled writer who has chosen to break grammatical rules and has used render as a noun and not as a verb.

    Thus we must look at our minds divided, plastered up a wall.

    Poetic in it’s brilliance.

    Surely we should expect a novel, novella or even a pamphlet in the not to distant future.

  4. I realise my bending of the grammars to the will of my mind is beyond your simplest of graspings so have no fear, my writing is superb in all and every aspect of it’s execution for sure, regardless, of your misconceptions and lack of insight of it may or may not appear or turn out to be.

    And no, none of you is funny.

    NEXT!

  5. “I realise my bending of the grammars to the will of my mind is beyond your simplest of graspings so have no fear, my writing is superb in all and every aspect of it’s execution for sure, regardless, of your misconceptions and lack of insight of it may or may not appear or turn out to be.”

    6 errors in that, by my poor grammatical reckoning.

    And I am funny too.

    And demanding.

    So I demand you write at least a novella…. 😛

  6. I am planning to leave the facebook group ‘I have not had sex with a goat’, but a novel is quite interesting.

  7. oh, and I love the Google ads that show up on this page at the moment. “Write a novel” and “How to write a book” are obviously appropriate.

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