A kick up the arse

So I’m now on pills for my blood pressure and next Tuesday they take blood to check my liver and kidneys are functioning correctly, and to see what my cholesterol level is at the moment.

Then, later that day, I get an ECG.

It’s all a bit… much really. As I feel fine but the numbers don’t lie.

The disappointing thing, the thing that really fucks me off, is that for the past two weeks I’d been careful with my diet, cut out as much salt as I could, and managed a few short walks (still not enough I know but my knee still isn’t 100%), yet my blood pressure went up!

Edit: Read on at your peril, it’s a bit maudlin and ranty and ‘teenage angsty’. Don’t say you weren’t warned. The short version is, “I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I just need a moan”.

Yes there is a lot going on at the moment; the kitchen for one thing, the ongoing saga with the dickhead taxi driver, and the company I work for has just been acquired (yesterday but they only announced it publically today). But despite all that, I thought I was handling everything OK for, if there is one thing I know quite well, it’s my own mind.

Anyway, nothing I can do now but change my life. Get my diet sorted, figure out a way to get some more exercise – please, don’t YOU lot suggest swimming, swimming is a royal pain in the ass, but maybe needs must, eh? – and generally look long and hard at myself.

I’m 34, embarassed, angry, ashamed and a little scared. I mean I know I’ll be fine, that it is probably my lifestyle that is to blame (although part of me hopes that it’s something else, you know, something that means it’s not my fault, how pathetic is that?!) and this is definitely one of those moments when you realise that things must change.

So what did I do tonight, whilst I sat and watched the football (yeah, SAT ON MY ARSE), I had three Kit-Kats. I wasn’t really that hungry but they were there in front of me.

Enough of this though, enough of this self-loathing nonsense, I’m past all that (a LONG time past it) and it’s certainly a long time since I wrote anything like this here (self-censorship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be), so enough. This is not me, not anymore. I will not let myself be dragged back down. I just need to figure a way back UP.