Being a moron is hard

The world is full of them and the internet gives them a voice. They are a specific breed, not just your everyday idiot, they wait for a target to pass and FIRE their salvos of ludicrous suggestion, usually firing so wide of the mark you wonder if they are aiming at something else.

I really like the idea of Comment is Free. I’ve followed it since it launched, and did proffer a few thoughts in the early days but apparently I’m the wrong kind of person and shouldn’t have bothered. Instead I should’ve been developing my moron persona a little more thoroughly (after all, Gordon is a moron, right?).

This is not as easy as it seems.

Let’s look at a particular case, the one which sparked this entry as it happens.

Anna (littleredboat) Pickard recently published an article on Comment is Free entitled “I love Starbucks, what of it?“. Some would suggest the title is a little provocative and that, given the subject matter, some negative comments could be expected. In the article, Anna makes many valid points and her opinion is offered to all with little force and, as ever, some humour and humility.

As an exercise, see if you can think up some of the responses.

That’s right. Globalisation, death of the high street, better coffee elsewhere, anti-corporation stuff all that kind of thing.

However, the comment stalking moron is made of sterner stuff and in this particular thread there are some breathtaking leaps of imagination. I’ll paraphrase slightly (but not all that much) to try and capture some of the stunning suggestions.

Instead of drinking Starbucks, “try picking coffee beans from before dawn and see how much it matters then”
I’d love to try that but between laying the bricks of my house, slaughtering a chicken to eat at dinner, and plumbing the depths of my back garden for oil.. well I’m a little too busy..

“Go to Italy for a coffee”
“Anyone fancy a coffee?”
“Yeah sure, make mine a macchiato”
“No probs”
[12 hours later]
“There you go”
“Ugh, it’s cold… ”

Addiction to caffeine? “So boring, have a bloody cup of tea, its got us all through worse times!”
Tea! Gosh, excitement abounds! Ohh yes, I can sense the danger of maybe receiving a mild scald from the teabag, the lure and promise of exotic flavours and the mysterious undertones of why those fruity ones are allowed to be called tea at all. Yes, yes, you are right, tea is most certainly not boring. Wow. I’m converted. Thanks. That was easy.

Be concerned for your health for “The coffee itself is not bad, but with all the sugar, cream, and other heavy add-ons that go into each cup, you might as well have ordered ice cream”
Do Starbucks offer ice cream? Even if they did, I’d never go there. We have an excellent local ice cream emporium. Won awards and everything it has. Hang on, who has cream in their coffee anyway?

And the most frequent comment type:
Starbucks coffee is crap
Yes it is. It’s awful, tastes like piss and vomit, mixed with mouldy turds. That’s obviously why so many people keep drinking it.

There are some valid points made in the comments of course, but, for the main, the morons rule.

You have to admire them in a way, it must take an awful lot of hard work, training and dedication to come up with some of those suggestions. Brilliant stuff.

For the record, I enjoy Starbucks coffee. Yes I’ve had better in other places, and it’s not the only coffee place I frequent but, typically, it’s handy, reasonably priced and has an acceptable level of quality IN MY OPINION.

Right, I’m off to create a new profile on Comment is Free. I want to practise my moronic comments somewhere, so I may as well learn from the masters!