Boom and Bust

The cycle of life continues to go round. Hence the phrase. I mean you wouldn’t say the “square of life” as that just doesn’t work, mainly because squares, due to the fact that they have corners, don’t go round all that easily and if they did, they’d go ka-THUNK, ka-THUNK and, quite frankly, I can do without the headache.

Hang on, is it cycle or circle? No, definitely cycle. I’m not discussing death and rebirth. At least not today.. mind you, the idea of being re-incarnated does hold some appeal, although that’s largely presuming that I get to choose what I come back as and I don’t think that’s quite how it works.

I digress.

I’ve spent 12,188 days of my life on this planet, and it’s only now that I’m, slowly, beginning to understand the patterns that repeat, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat. Only now that I’m beginning to fully comprehend and embrace the familiarity of my own moods as I swing from moment to moment, day to day, month to month. Busy one minute, quiet the next.

It seems that I spend my weeks balancing on the razor edge, one slip and I’m cut to shreds. Sometimes I pause and look back at where I’ve been, look back at that afternoon spent watching old movies, that long lazy lunch sipping coffee and watching the world speed past, all the times when it was quiet and calm, with endless possibilities hovering on the horizon.

I do this during the busiest of times. The busier I am, the more I yearn for the quieter times, wondering why, all of a sudden, I’m so busy I don’t know where to turn, so busy my head is pulling me in so many different directions, so busy that I can quite find the common thread and things start to unravel at the edges.

And when it’s quiet? When the cacophony has abated? What do I do then? Isn’t it obvious? I plot and plan and devise ways to make myself busy. I say “yes”, and “of course” and “I will” in an instant. I commit.

Sometimes. Not always.

And then? Then I procrastinate at length, postulating the possibilities, when perhaps I should pause and ponder and … ahhh wait!! Don’t you see?! That is where it all starts. No, not the schoolboy attempt at alliteration. The “perhaps”.

Maybe this, perhaps that, swiftly followed by the “I could” and “I should” before the inevitable last minute rush to complete something that I agreed on long before I fully understand what it was, what it entailed.

My eagerness to be busy, to stay busy, fights my desire to do nothing, to retire.

And such is the cycle of (my) life.

That’s how it’s always been, with me at least. I consider myself lazy by nature, and I have to presume that subconsciously I continue to make plans, continue to commit and agree, in an effort to not be that lazy person. Or maybe, perhaps, it could be that this is just the way I am, this is how I am wired. Always having to be on the cusp of being too busy so as to give myself the ability to enjoy those moments of nothingness. Those afternoons on the sofa, the indulgent days of black and white movies and endless rounds of toast.

So, on the one hand I seem to be hell bent on pushing myself over the edge, embracing the suffering of stresses, maybe even quietly desiring the attention and sympathy of others. Martyrdom by appointment. Whilst on the other hand I long to do nothing. To while away my days pottering, reading, lazing.

This post should not be taken as “woe is me”, nor as a cry for help. It’s merely an effort to stall the ride at the top of the rollercoaster, to pause before I plunge, once more, into the abyss. It’s yet another attempt at understanding why this is the way it is, it is not a complaint. I’m comfortable and happy, just wondering if the cycle of my life needs a little attention, a little alteration perhaps… just wondering… always wondering.

ka-THUNK.

5 comments

  1. I know exactly how you feel.
    I constantly feel as if I never slow down, never stop, and I love the frenetic energy of it all. It powers me onwards.
    Yet at the same time I love sitting down and chilling out. However, when I do sit down, say for even five minutes, I feel terrible pangs of guilt, like it’s such an awful thing to want to relax. Then I have a cup of tea and get over it.
    I think there’s far too much to do and we expect far too much of ourselves in our new shiny modern lives that having a good old relax has gone out of the window. Shame really.

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