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How to raise your heart rate

Whilst clearing out the garage, including brushing out the corners and ridding the place of cobwebs and numerous spiders, spot a sheet of wood that was once part of what is now your fireplace, grab it from the stack, and spin round, holding it up for your wife to see whilst asking her “can you guess where this came from?”.

When she spots the VERY LARGE SPIDER* on the far side of the wood, the side you’ve just thrust at her in your glee at finding this reminder of your handiwork, she’ll scream. Loudly.

This will prompt you to jump, dropping the piece of wood to the floor, and your heart rate will soar. Simple really.

* You know the type, the ones that don’t run away from you because they reckon, in a tight spot, they could always chew your leg off..