Odecohol

Reading time: 3 mins

Back to work today, even the weather has come out in sympathy. I know it’s only Wednesday and I’m trying NOT to focus on the weekend already, honest, but sometimes you get a sign and wonder why you bother fighting it.

On Saturday we’re at our first BBQ of the year. This is becoming somewhat of a ritual (same hosts) and usually ends up at silly o’clock in the morning when the margarita mix is finished. So, with that in mind, I give you the contents of a recent email. You may have seen this already.

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Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness
Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Next day
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down onthe kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

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Remember kids, alcohol poisoning isn’t clever and should be left to those who’ve a lifetime of practis.. trying.

More later once I clear out my inbox. Now, where’s that delete key?