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I have come to accept that, by nature, I am pessimistic. I’m definitely a “glass half full” kinda guy. This does tend to make me more cautious and careful about a lot of things, as I can see the downside far easier than the up. Obviously in some places this is a benefit, but increasingly I am becoming frustrated with my own pessimism.

I’m pretty sure, although it’s not the kind of thing you ask people nor the kind of thing people will volunteer, that I’m viewed as selfish (which is true) and usually on a bit of downer (or constantly negative) and I wouldn’t imagine I’m cultivating the image of being ‘upbeat’ and ‘positive’.
I want to be positive.

Two questions:
1. Why do I want this?
2. Why do I need this?

I want this because I don’t like this side of my character and want to change it. I’m not drastically upset or anything, it’s more a constant niggle, like a tiny piece of grit in the sole of your shoe – a good metaphor as it is likely they both feel bigger until you examine them and you find a lot of it was imagination and perception. It’s one of those things that, looking back on a situation, you find yourself thinking “Damn I wish I’d said…”. Funny how those situations seem to be ‘major’ ones, either professionally or personally.

I want this because it will benefit me in the long run. It should give me a more balanced character, I think, although it will no doubt highlight another area I am lacking in, such is life.

I need this because I constantly strive to improve myself. It’s just something I do. Find an area of weakness or an area that is lacking and try and improve it.

I am aware that no human being is perfect, and I am aware that there is a place for pessimism. However I believe that pessimism needs a healthy dose of positivity to counter it, and I think the balance is wrong.

Maybe it’s just a temporary thing, affected by other circumstances in my life at the moment. Maybe I need to resign myself to who I am? Is that the way to be happy? Be happy with yourself? Maybe I should look to that as a personal goal?

How do you attain this inner peace, this confidence that, whilst you are aware of your flaws, you are happy to acknowledge them and move on. Am I striving for unobtainable goals? I have acknowledged a large variety of personal flaws here in this website. Once acknowledged, what is the first step? Take, for example, my laziness. I will happily “put off today what can be done tomorrow”. Yet somedays I manage to kick myself into action. I get annoyed about my laziness and start some DIY job, or paperwork, or whatever is outstanding. Very soon I get bored and frustrated that this task is taking up my valuable time – valuable as in, sitting watching telly, surfing the web or some other self motivated activity.

So if I am aware that I am lazy, and if I frequently know that I really should be doing something (and depending on my mood actually getting up and doing it) can I do the same for the pessimistic side of my nature? There is no reason why I can’t. I’ve managed to build in a ‘pause’ in other areas in my life, so I should be able to do the same here. [Stop. Think. Is what I am about to say positive or constructively pessimistic?] Easy really.

So I will try this, and other ways of changing my persona. As usual there are too many ‘maybes’, too many questions outstanding, but another aspect of my nature is to try. You think I’d learn wouldn’t you.