Third

I’ve known Louise for over 10 years, and we’ve just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. She is my friend, my lover, and my wife. She will be the mother of my children (soon darling…soon), and carer of numerous puppies/kittens and maybe even a parrot(?). We have been through a lot together, and survived it all. We now have a relationship that will support us. We can be friends when we want, lovers when we desire, and if it wasn’t for that funny choking thing she does when she brushes her teeth in the morning, the relationship would be perfect (I don’t have any faults…) To outsiders, we may not seem close. We are not a ‘coupley couple’, we don’t go …

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Depression

It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life. My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the …

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Plans

Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’. Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work. Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, …

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Detached

Sometimes at night the darkness and silence weighs on me. Peace frightens me. Perhaps I fear it most of all. I feel it’s only a facade, hiding the face of hell. I think of what’s in store for my children tomorrow; “The world will be wonderful”, they say; but from whose viewpoint? We need to live in a state of suspended animation, like a work of art; in a state of enchantment… detached. Detached. Neil Hannon – The Divine Comedy ~ Connection is made, the words strike me. The search for utopian ideals, one that has eluded so many before me, continues. It remains constant, unreachable. A need to retreat, to hide. “The hurt of lost, the longing of one, …

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